Beginning of February - New beginnings

February 1 through 14
Brandi started with us full time on Feb. 1. All has gone well so far. She seems to be hapy and we're happy to have her. It's wonderful to find a young person who has some ambition and common sense. She's really enjoying getting outside with the boys when the weather cooperates. They lay down really well for her too. Certainly better than Chip and I!

All is good with Synxis. More training. Verdict still out on my new boss, so we'll see. Accounts are now being turned over. Starting tomorrow we should be moving forward with me handling them. Going to Dallas for the customer forum and to start meeting people the week of Feb. 22. That will be good for everyone!

Girls arrived on 2/12. It's always fast and furious. Kaitlyn really wants to come here for high school and her dad is full of resistance. I have heard so much that doesn't surprise me. My advice and requirements to Kaitlyn were a). Commit for at least a year and b). I'll help you with anything you need, but you need to be painfully honest or it won't work. Her dad is now taking her to a psychologist which I'm sure will be a fight until the bitter end for me to get information. I will keep trying though. It's very difficult when her dad's history has been to be so controlling. Nothing much has changed there. It's unfortunate, because all th rest of us pay the price. I predict that we'll be in front of our judge again for Kaitlyn to talk about where she wants to be. I just want her to be happy.

Child support has started this month. I admit, I'm exceptionally bitter since John got off scott free for 5 1/2 years due to my generosity. Hopefully karma will continue to be good to me. However, it isn't starting well with him "deciding" (and yes, he can really do that) to garnish my wages, even if I have no history of non-payment. That means we have to run all payments through the court system and continue to have them involved. All because he just can. The hardest part for me is that I'm not fighting him on anything. Not fighting back, not being horrible about it. In fact, I'm probably still not being anal enough about times, visits, calls, etc. I just don't have a guilty conscience. Just like I don't have trust issues in my new marriage after the 7 affairs in 6 years that my ex-husband had. I just OK with most things that make sense to me. What does not make one bit of sense is that while I have been nice, accommodating and lenient, I have paid the price both financially and emotionally with losing almost everything as it relates to the girls. It's a tough, bitter pill to swallow. I just hope and pray that karma stays in my corner. I'm attempting to write their dad a letter and ask him to work directly with me on child support, but I expect that will fall on deaf ears. It's really beyond sad for me.

On a much more positive note, today is Valentines Day. The 9th that Chip and I have spent together. Today it is filled with kid stuff which is fine with me. There is amazing joy in this house when we're here with ALL of our kids. Each day we're together is a gift. Everyone, whether we're doing something together or the kids are doing their own thing, feels the harmony I think. It makes me feel complete. At this moment, behind me I hear Chip playing games on the Leapster with Ryan and he is squealing with joy. Gillian is talking to herself and playing with her Webkinz on the computer. Kaitlyn is on the sofa and has Gary on her lap. Ben is next to daddy and acting like the little engineer I predict he will become. Me and the sprout are blogging and sharing coffee this morning. It's still a struggle with this pregnancy for me. Tired, tired, tired. It's all good because the little guy is healthy. We're working on names right now. We like Patrick and I really like Carter (Chip isn't all onboard with that one). Sean was on the list, but I don't like how it sounds. We'll see. We've got time.

Later today the girls and I will make chocolate covered strawberries to celebrate Valentines day. Gillian and Kaitlyn also asked to go geocaching with Chip. I'm so happy that the girls love him so much. He's very good to them and I'm proud of that. Very proud. Perhaps it's just one of those days, I don't know. I feel an amazing amount of love and gratitude today.

End of January/Very begin of Feb. - Baby thoughts and struggles

It's a new month. Little boy in the tummy is moving around more and more each day. I'm craving so many sweets, carbs and cheese. It's really weird. Tired all the time. This pregnancy is hard and taxing. I'm not sure why. The doctors says it's because I'm almost 38, work full time and have three 2 1/2 yr. olds. Hmmm. Maybe he has a point. Still not connecting with him. (January 25)

I'm constantly concerned with my weight. I had plenty to start with and struggle with sugar cravings. For all I do and have done to be an advocate for whole organic food, I'm sure not living it with my indulgence in Peeps, Rice Crispy treats and cheeseburgers. Just not good. I'll continue to fight it. Maybe there's some deep seated guilt or something going on in my mind that I just haven't figured out yet.

Belly is popping out, I'm averaging about 8 lbs. of weight gain since the beginning. I'd like to stay at 10lbs, but will probably be more at the 15 lb. mark. That will be plenty I think. In order to do that, I'll refer to my earlier comments...I need to get OFF the sugar train. I'm sure I'd feel better too. Add a bit of walking and I'd have it made. Time for action, but the energy is sure lacking.

I've also stayed on my the depression medication the longest with this pregnancy. I'm not sure why that is. I have a few theories....this was a surprise...there's so much more stress in my life...and there's more I suppose. I'm conflicted as to whether to take better care of baby and quit or just do the right thing for me. I really need to give that more thought.

I've ordered a crib, a bouncer and a swing. Makes me wonder why I gave away all the stuff we had. Oh, I don't know...maybe because I thought we were done? Probably! Any way it will be fine. I think we'll turn grandma's room into baby room and then I hope to turn the loft into our office and make our old office a guest room. We'll see. The finances aren't there right now. I'm still stirring the pot with new online businesses to make more money, but again...energy isn't there, but I'm working on it. I think I'm my own biggest critic. Actually I know I am.

Until next time...