Dreaded day back to Vegas...

Yesterday was pretty depressing. The girls went back to Vegas to start school. Whenever the girls come and go Chip and I get more and more bitter about the judge's decision. I mean really, how could this turn out this way? It was strange taking them to the airport to take off. I found myself almost numb. It hurt a little that even before they took off Kaitlyn was on the phone with John and Gillian was talking to her friend Ellie in Vegas. I sternly asked them to wait another 2 hours and then they'd be there. After they boarded the plane I still was somewhat dazed and sad at the same time. As I have many, many times, I question my decision to move to Northern Nevada. There has just been so much that has challenged us over the last 12 months. Financially, emotionally, even physically.

I've been seeing on Facebook over the last week pictures from the annual Orbitz sales meeting. It looked like so much fun. Again pointing me back to really ponder the decision I made to work outside the home, to move, to spend thousands of dollars fighting for the girls only to lose, supporting homes that aren't in the same city as we are, and not being able to sell any of them. It could be the status quo I guess. Some days I look back and while it isn't the grass being greener, I often feel that it wasn't that bad. Was it? Maybe for the first (or thousandth) time it is clearer than ever that we have a small but good network of friends in Vegas. That the damage would have been significantly less with the girls. The relationship between their dad and I is irreparable and the girls feel it. Just one example: I had planned to fly to Vegas with the girls so that I could extend our goodbye a little bit. When Gillian mentioned this to John he told her that my time was over and regardless of whether or not I flew with them he'd be at the airport. On top of the many challenges we face in Reno, their dad gives nothing. No willingness to be flexible. I'll be punished by him for many years to come. What pains me more is very soon we'll have to be paying him child support, over $1,000 a month. With that, he'll continue to give the girls everything, take all the credit for it and I get to fund it. While we had a lot of fun during the summer visit with the girls doing everything from geocaching and hiking to farmer's markets and swimming, there was a lot more that I wished I could do but the finances are just not there. Nor will they be any time soon. As we figure it, the price to us for moving as far as the girls are concerned are about $2,000 a month between child support and transportation. We are still finishing the final paperwork with my attorney. I asked him point blank what happens if we can't pay and he said his advice was to think about filing bankruptcy. That is not something we will entertain at all. Hmmm, let me see...John wins custody and child support. In return I get to pay and pay and pay and oh by the way give back everything we've worked for to the bank. I think not!

Perhaps this isn't the forum to be airing all the dirty laundry, but this is our blog and it's our real life. Chip and I have truly felt the pain of all of this, especially physically. The stress has helped us put on weight. There's not a lot time or energy to exercise either.

I'm struggling to look at the glass half full when it keeps feeling empty. Especially when the glass half full is that we're both employed. Glass half empty is as fast as it comes in it goes out.